The PAPAYA TANGELO Show
by child of the gallows
Summary: Join us for our second season as Lyn, Liz, and Waldo the compassmaker interview AND ANNOY mostly annoy all your favorite Percy Jackson characters!
1. Percy

**WE OWN NOTHING EXCEPT THE CHARACTERS WE MADE UP AND YOU KNOW THE CHARACTERS WE MADE UP! (Like audience member 62)**

**The PAPAYA TANGELO Show  
Starring Lyn and Liz and Waldo the Compassmaker**

Lyn: Hello, Hola, Bonjour, Konichiwa, and all those other weird hi phrases!

Liz: She is Lyn and I am Liz and this is the Papaya Tangelo Show, not to be confused with the Pina Colada show!!!

Lyn: Last season, as you may recall, we interviewed Twilight Characters!

Liz: Sorry we haven't broadcasted in a while, but we were redecorating.

Lyn: We bought our own spot on Mount Olympus, and bought isn't the right word!!!

Waldo: We acquired using intellect. And since we used all our intellect up, there will be none of that in the show!

Audience Member 62: Who's that!?

Lyn: You all remember Wyatt, don't you?

Audience: Yeah.

Liz: Well this is his cousin, Waldo. He's a compassmaker, but he gets lost all the time.

Audience: What happened to Wyatt?!

Lyn: We gave Wyatt, Shannon, Stu, and Bob and most everyone else a paid vacation for the season. Everyone except Emeril.

Emeril: (In his Bermuda shorts and tourist shirt and his sunglasses with margaritas on them) WHAAAT?!

Liz: You're still going on vacation, you're just not getting paid.

Emeril: What? Since when?

Lyn: (Gets a memo) Whoops, sorry Emeril, that was for Stu.

Emeril: Phew!

Lyn: You're staying here with us!!!

Emeril: But but but but that's not fair!

Liz: Who else will make delicious food for us?

Lyn: We should get on with the show.

Mysterious Voice: EY YOU! WUT YOU DOING IN MY SPACE!?!?!

Liz: Uh… guys, did we mention that we kinda stole Mount Olympus?

(A big cloud comes bursting into the studio)

BC (big cloud): Leave or you will have to die!

Liz and Lyn: What?

BC: I said Leave Or You Will Have To Die!

Lyn: No, we mean what as in, like, what?!

BC: What do you mean what? I said OR YOU WILL DIE. Is it that hard to understand?

Liz: Yes.

BC: Okay, I'm going to have to kill you now. (Takes out freezer ray.) PREPARE TO PERISH! (Starts to click the button) EY- EY- EY- EY THIS ISN'T WORKING WHY ISN'T IT WORKING!?

(Emeril pops up in superman cape) Emeril: BECAUSE I HAVE THE ICE CREAM PACK!

BC: NOOOO I AM DEFEATED!!!

Percy: (Comes through door) Hey, were you guys going to call my name or not?

Lyn: Percy, Percy, we were having a little problem. We aren't anymore, but we WERE!

Percy: Yeah yeah whatever now get me some ice cream!

Liz: Percy, Percy, bossy today aren't we?

Lyn: Yes, loyal fans, we didn't have to capture this guy. We just promised him ice cream and said we could cure his ADHD. We can't.

Percy: WHAT?! YOU LIED TO ME!?

Liz: No—well, lie is such a strong word… but yeah.

Percy: I'm gonna go cry in the bathroom now.

Lyn: Well, you can't.

Percy: Why?

Lyn: Well, it's, uh, kinda gone.

Percy: How is it gone?

Liz: We put a self-destruct button in it…

Lyn: And I accidentally pushed it…

Percy: Well—Why?

Liz: Well we put it there so we could push it if someone tried to steal our fancy custom-made soaps in the shape of our faces…

Lyn: And they were very well sculpted.

Percy: Like I care about your stinking soap faces—

Liz: There was one of you, Percy.

Percy: REALLY?!

Lyn: No, but I did carve one of Yoshi. YOOOOSSSHHIIII!!!!! Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi… I love Yoshi… he's my best frieeend… I GOT YOSHI ON THE BRAIN!!!

(Suddenly, Yoshi from the famous Mario series pops up and starts doing the tango with Lyn.)

Lyn and Liz: Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, Yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi, yoshi…

(etcetera etcetera.)

Lyn: Now that your eyes have been burned with the power of Yoshi, let's get on with the show.

Liz: Where'd Percy go?

(Shows Percy in the fetal position in the corner, rocking back and forth.) Percy: Too… many… yoshis….

Lyn: Okay Yoshi, would you like some ice cream?

Yoshi: YOSHI!!!

Lyn: Well, me too. EMERIL! GET US SOME ICE CREAM! CARVED INTO THE SHAPE OF YOSHI!!!

(A ten-foot tower of sculpted green ice cream appears in the shape of yoshi. It weighs about ten tons, and is packed with calories and fat! Everyone from the Papaya Tangelo show comes in with spoons and hungry looks on their faces.)

Liz: Wait, where's Waldo?

(Somewhere in the middle of Nowhereville)

Waldo: Liz? Lyn? …Yoshi? Why won't this compass work? NOW IT'S POINTING WEST, AND WHEN I TURN WEST IT STARTS TO POINT SOUTH! I'M SO CONFUSSSEEEEEDDD! I'M LOST lost lost lost lost (echoes)

(back at the studio)

Lyn: Waldo, where are you Waldo?

Percy: (still in part fetal position) I thought this was a TALK SHOW! Not a let's-eat-yoshi-shaped-green-ice-cream-and-annoy-fictional-characters-show!

Liz: Ha ha you just called yourself fictional.

Lyn: And it is a talk show. Have you watched the Pina Colada show?

Percy: No.

Liz: Oh. You're screwed then.

Percy: Well- you haven't even asked me a question! ASK ME A QUESTION!

Lyn: What's your favorite color?

Percy: Blue.

Liz: That's all the time we have for today! See you next time on the PAPAYA TANGELO SHOW!

(Somewhere in the middle of Not-Here-Ville)

Waldo: Welp… that's the end of the show I guess. I hope I can find my way back within the next two seconds. Or else I'm screwed.


	2. And A Beth

**The PAPAYA TANGELO Show  
Starring Lyn and Liz and Waldo the Compassmaker**

Liz: Within the first three seconds of us posting last chapter, we got a hit. So we would like to thank whoever read it and his or her family, and his or her goldfish, and his or her Uncle Louie. And Internet service.

Lyn: And now we are going to move on to a character called… (glances and hand) And a Beth. And a Beth? What and a Beth? Amy and Beth? And a Bath? Ineta Beth. No. And a Beth.

Liz: I think you mean Annabeth.

Lyn: That's what I said. And a Beth. But what And a Beth?

Liz: Annabeth, get your butt out here.

(Annabeth comes onstage and does a cartwheel.)

Lyn: Beth… keth… neth… obsessed. And a bazooka gun. No. WALDO WHERE ARE YOU?!

(Waldo comes out of nowhere and pops exactly into Nowhereville.)

Waldo: Where am I? (glances at sign that reads: NOWHEREVILLE.) Ah. I know where I am.

(Pops away.)

Waldo: NOW WHERE AM I?! COMPASS! Oh crackers and cheese.

(Pops away again.)

Liz: Annabeth, were you aware that your name is not a word?

Annabeth: It is a word… because… that's my name…

Liz: Well, not really, the computer has a red squiggly line under your name, so I guess… it doesn't like you.

Lyn: (Still muttering to herself in the background.) Can of Beth? No… Sat on Beth? Mac 'n' cheese?

Annabeth: But it's my name.

Liz: But the computer says it's not a name. Who are you?

Annabeth: I'm Annabeth! I told you that!

Lyn: Sock monkey? What else is like Beth? Keth, Meth… Seth? No, that was last season. Five dollar bill? JOHNNY DEPP! Yes, I knew I'd think of it. So, where did Johnny Depp go?

Liz: Well, thank you for coming back into reality, Lyn, but Johnny Depp isn't here. It's Annabeth.

Lyn: And a Beth? No, that doesn't make any sense. (goes back deep into her messed-up thought process.)

Liz: So, anyway—

Frederick Chase: ANNABETH! WHERE'S MY HOLE PUNCH!!!???

Annabeth: I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR HOLE PUNCH IS, DAD!!!

(Both of the hostesses turn in the direction of Mr. Frederick Chase.)

Liz and Lyn: MR. F!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What are you doing back here, you old furball!?!?!?

Mr. F: Um… Oh, no, not here again…

Lyn: Mr. F.! I thought you were from the 1600's!

Mr. F.: You guys never sent me back to my own time, so I decided I'd settle down and have a kid. With a goddess. She's my wife now, can you believe it? My wife. Who's a goddess. Athena. She's a goddess. Did I mention she's a goddess? A smart goddess. She's my wife.

Liz: Mr. F, were you aware that she is with, like, a bazillion other dudes?

Mr. F: Yes, I am aware of that. We talked it over, we went to a therapist, it's all good now.

Lyn: And you named her And a Beth?

Mr. F.: No, her name is Annabeth.

Lyn: That's what I said, And a Beth. Can of beth… Can you can a beth? Hmm… canned peaches… sounds really good right now… EMERIL!

Emeril: (Pops in) YES?

Lyn: Get me some canned peaches. And papaya. And tangelos. And armadillos. Get me an armadillo.

Emeril: (Puts on his armadillo hunting gear.) Right-o!

Lyn: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WEARING THAT?

Emeril: I'm catching an armadillo.

Lyn: NO! You have to dress up like a male armadillo.

Emeril: Why a male armadillo?

Lyn: I WANT A FEMALE ARMIDALLO. Cuz I'm gonna name her Genevieve. So I guess she's going to be an armadilla. You know what sounds like armadilla? Crocodile. No, Chinchilla. Chinchillas are like so cute and fluffy. They're like rabbits and kangaroos put together. Then shouldn't they be rabaroos? Get me an armadilla and a rabaroo.

Liz: AAAANYYYYWAAAY, we have to really get on with the show.

Lyn: What show? OHHH right. The and a Beth show. That still doesn't make any sense. And a what? And a Beth but what and a Beth?

Liz: Annabeth, why did you run away from poor Mr. F here? He has a very delicate temperament. I have no idea what that's supposed to mean.

Annabeth: Because he's blaming me for breaking his hole punch!!! I don't even know where it is!!!!!

Lyn: And a beth! AND A BETH! OHHHH! HOLE PUNCH AND A BETH! YES, THAT HOLE PUNCH THAT I STOLE FROM MR. F AND GAVE TO THE FLYING MONKEY IN MY BASEMENT TO DO MY HOMEWORK! THEN HE BROKE IT!

Mr. F: WHAT?!

Lyn: Yeah… and a Beth. It still doesn't sound right at all. WALDO, YOU NEED TO HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS!!!!!

(Waldo pops up)

Waldo: SHARON, I'M SO CONFUSED! Oh wait I'm back! (Pops away)

Lyn: And a Beth you're boring. Ask some questions that make her face turn orange with lavender spots.

Liz: WHAT COLOR IS MY UNDERWEAR!?

Annabeth: What?

Lyn: INVALID. INVALID. INVALID. INVALID. INVALID.

Mr. F.: WHERE DID I GO WRONG?!?

Liz: Dude, last season you were wearing a French maid outfit. That might have been where it started.

Mr. F.: BUT YOU MADE ME!

Lyn: We did not make you. We just wrote you.

Liz: Annabeth, in the Percy Jackson movie why do you have brown hair?

Annabeth: Um… technically, it's not me. It's an actress. Because I'm a fictional character.

Lyn: Haaa you called yourself fictional.

Annabeth: I wouldn't be talking, Ficshy.

Liz: Woooh you do have some fight to ya.

Annabeth: I'm not all just show.

Lyn: Actually. You are all just show. You're like a trophy. You sit there forever then you get rusty and gross and then people throw you out.

Annabeth: YOU WANNA GO?!

Lyn: Let's take this outside!

Annabeth: We are outside!

Lyn: No we're not! (Goes to the door.) You first, you trophy. Age before beauty.

Annabeth: Fine. I will. (She steps outside and immediately falls to a very painful fall.)

Liz: OH YEAH, DID WE MENTION WE'RE ON MOUNT OLYMPUS?!

(Annabeth continues falling to her demise. Ohh I like that word. Demise.)

Lyn: Let's hope she didn't break EVERY bone in her body. I mean… her nose could be okay. I mean, that thing was WAY too long…

**THE END  
cliff hanger!!!**

Liz: Buh by. Bye now. Byyyyye!


	3. Grover

**The PAPAYA TANGELO Show  
Starring Lyn and Liz and Waldo the Compassmaker**

Lyn: Johnny Depp has a sexy ponytail…

Liz: IKR?! SO, HOW WAS THE NEW MOVIE?!

Lyn: You know what?! I found it very disappointing.

Liz: Why??

Lyn: Well, you know… because and a Beth didn't have her awesome hat. And Clarice wasn't in it. And Mr. D. wasn't in it.

Liz: THEY LEFT OUT ALL THE BEST CHARRIES!!!!

Lyn: I know, right?! Insanity!!! Besides that, it was relatively decent.

Liz: Is it worth seeing, Lyn?

Lyn: Well, if you're one of those people who like that kind of stuff, yeah. And I'm one of those people who like that kind of stuff!

Liz and Lyn: YAAAAAAAAAAAAY! SO MANY YAYS SO LITTLE TIME!

Lyn: And speaking of goats, please welcome our new bestest buddy ever, GROVER UNDERWOOD!!!

(Grover comes out onstage eating a Pepsi can.)

Liz: HELLO MR. SATYR PERSON GOAT THING!!!

Grover: BaaaaaaaAaaaaAaaaAh. Hi my new bestest buddies!

Lyn: Yeah he's our new bestest buddy not by force!!!

Liz: He came here of his own free will! And that there were many Pepsi cans and that's why we're so sugar high today!!!

Grover: LUKE I AM YOUR FAAAAAAAAATHAAAAAAA!

Lyn: COPYRIGHT!!!

Liz: Yes WE OWN NOTHING SO DON'T SUE US!!!

Lyn: Well I own me, and no other man owns me, so all you sicko people get that sicko minds off that sicko head, sicko.

Liz: Hey, Grover, did you know you look just like a kid in our school except the kid in our school is like 13 and you're like 18?! And he doesn't have a moustache?

Lyn: Well, he doesn't look like you in the book, but he does in the movie, so that's what you look like.

Grover: Um…. Sure. Why not. Hey, are you going to eat those?

Lyn and Liz: ???

Grover: The Christmas decorations.

Lyn and Liz: WHAAAAAAA? We kinda… reuse them… HEY PUT THAT DOWN!

(Grover is about to eat a wreath.)

Grover: But why? It's so tasty… AAAH MEDUSA HEAD! Why is she wearing a Santa hat?

Lyn: WE thought it would look cool…

Liz: And apparently it does cause is scared the enchiladas out of you!

Lyn: EMERIL I want churros!

Liz: You always want churros.

Lyn: Well I know how to make churros now so Emeril will be proud of me.

Liz: So why don't you make your own?

Lyn: Because Emeril makes them better. And it takes him more than 25 minutes to make his.

Emeril: Churros at your command! (poof away)

Liz: Anyway…

Emeril: (pops back) Hey can I have my vacation time now?

Lyn: What? Oh, no. Bye.

(Emeril pops away again.)

Liz: GROVER THAT'S OUR CHRISTMAS TREE!!!

Lyn: Waldo, come over here and pry this Christmas tree away from Grover.

Waldo: AWWWWWAAAAAYYYYYY!

Liz: So anyway, we should start the questions. Questions galore.

Lyn: Grover, have you ever considered shaving your legs? I mean, you're walking around with the Purse-Man, and you can't wear shorts ever.

Liz: Very unmanly. I mean, my leg hair is more manly than yours, even though I don't really have leg hair because I shave it, 'cuz I'm a girl, which makes it even more manly, so… yeah.

Grover: Have YOU ever considered shaving your armpits?

Liz and Lyn: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR… Wait a minute… are you talking about me or Liz/Lyn?

Grover: …Um… suuure? Why not?

Lyn: Liz, I told you I need to shave those things, I mean deodorant doesn't cover everything.

Liz: Well no one else in the class seems to notice.

Lyn: They don't notice, or they don't say anything--- oooh. You're turning us against each other. You're good. Maybe a little too good.

Liz: no, there's no such thing as too good. We're just that good. Maybe too good.

Lyn: Liz, I believe we should keep him.

Liz: Yes, yes, I think we shall Lyn.

Lyn: Hmm, let me see… (looks in spiral records) Yep, there's enough room, so might as well stay. Ooh. Let's play a game.

Grover: What game?

Lyn: Truth or… smell my sock.

Liz: GROVER! Truth! Are you jealous of Annabeth because she has Purse-Man—

Grover: WHO'S PURSE MAN?!

Lyn: Percy Jackson. Purse man. Are you?

Grover: Why would I be jealous?!

Liz: Because you're his guardian! How do you protect him anyway, all you have are those itty-bitty li'l horns…

Lyn: I mean, they're not even as big as the devil horns from my costume. (Takes out horns from the costume from a few years back.) I mean, who COULDN'T take down a Minotaur with these bad boys?

Grover: Uh… you couldn't.

(Waldo mysteriously comes crashing down in a secondhand Minotaur costume. He starts charging at Lyn. Lyn charges at him.)

Lyn: RAAAAAAAAAH YOU SHOULD BE VERY SCARED BECAUSE I HAVE SUPER-AWESOME HORNS!!!

Waldo: NO! NO PLEASE NOT THE HORNS! SPARE ME OH AWESOME ONE! (Poofs away.)

Lyn: There, you see? That's how awesome I am. What now.

Liz: Grover, what's wrong?

Grover: Wha- wha- what's wrong?

Liz: You're tearing up! Here, would you like a hanky?

Grover: Wh- what are you talking about?

Lyn: You're eyes are watering, CUZ I BEAT YOU! HA!

Liz: Haha yes you goat freak!

Grover: You know, that hurt. You went too far on that one, 'cause that hurt.

Lyn: Way to go, Liz, you just broke our goat freak's heart!

Liz: I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

Grover: It's okay.

Lyn: But anyway, you can't withstand the power of LynZilla!!!

Grover: LynZilla?

Lyn: You know, like Godzilla, except with Lyn in front of it. Gosh.

Liz: We've got to close this up.

Grover: Awwww why?

Liz: Because if we don't we won't be able to move on to our next character.

Lyn: Who's our next character?

Liz: Hermes and Ares. Two of the best gods in the series.

Lyn: I have to make a comment I hate Ares he's a big pile of poo poo head. And I liked Hestia. Why can't we make it an "h" day and bring Hermes and Hestia in?

Liz: Because we've already planned it out and Hermes lost the bet so he had to come on with Ares.

Grover: Awwwwww.

Lyn: Grover, you're coming back with us 'cause you're so cool.

Grover: YAAAY!

Liz: Alright guys, we'll see you next time. BYE ENJOY YOUR PAPAYA TANGELO!!!

**Liz's note: DON'T WORRY I SHAVE MY ARMPITS I'M A GOOD PERSON!!!!**


	4. Hermes and Ares

**The PAPAYA TANGELO Show  
Starring Lyn, Liz, and Waldo the Compassmaker**

Liz: I DIDN'T STEAL YOUR PAPERCLIP!

Lyn: YES YOU DID! YOU WERE THE LAST ONE WHO TOUCHED IT!

Liz: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHICH PAPER CLIP YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

Lyn: YOU KNOW, THE PURPLE ONE WITH ALL THE SPARKLES AND THE SMILEY FACES ON IT!

Liz: NO.

Lyn: YES YOU DO!

Liz: NO I DON'T!

Lyn: YES-YOU-DO!

Liz: I HAVE NO IDEA!

Lyn: HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I TOOK SOMETHING SPECIAL OF YOURS!?

Liz: I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING SPECIAL!

Lyn: OH YES YOU DO! EMERIL!

(Emeril pops in) Emeril: What do you want? Y'know, the show started… 2 minutes ago.

Liz: Seriously?'

Lyn: Nuh uh.

Emeril: Time flies when you're having an argument.

Lyn: Well, it's not much of an argument, because SHE knows what SHE did!

Emeril: What did she do?

Lyn: She stole my paperclip. The purple one with the sparklies and the smiley faces.

Emeril: (GASP!) LIZ YOU DIDN'T!

Liz: I didn't!!!!!!!!!!!

Lyn: Well, I'm not talking to you anymore until you admit to what you did!

Liz: WHAT DID I DO?!?!?!?!?!

Lyn: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!

Liz: I DON'T!!!!

Emeril: ANYWAY, our guests today…

Lyn: NO! THAT'S NOT YOUR JOB, THAT'S MY JOB!!!

Liz: NO! IT'S MY JOB! IT'S MY TURN!

Lyn: HOW DO YOU KNOW?

Liz: I JUST KNOW!!!

Grover: (Walks in) Hey, do you guys have any leftover Pepsi cans? I'm kinda hungry…

Lyn: SHUT UP GROVER IT'S NOT YOUR TURN!

Grover: (Pouts) I'm sowwy!

Liz: !

Lyn: (stomps foot) hmmhnmn mnnmhmn. Fine. Hermes and Ares, get your big, bazooka god butts out here.

(Ares and Hermes walk in. Crowd cheers.) Crowd: YAAAAY! (They sit in chairs/sofa across from Lyn and Liz, who are in own separate chairs.)

Lyn: Ok, our first question is… (growls) f…from… (deep breath) OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE WOULD DO THAT! GOD!

Liz: Hermes, will you please bring a message to Lyn, telling her I didn't to what she says I did.

Hermes: Why don't you do it yourself?! She's right there!

Liz: You're the god of messengers. You have to do it.

(Hermes, grumbling, walks over to Lyn and relays the message.)

Lyn: Hermes, tell HER that HER knows what HER did.

(Hermes grumbles, walking half a step to Liz)

Lyn: NO! YOU HAVE TO USE YOUR MAGICAL FLYING SHOES!

(Hermes flutters in the air for a second before landing in front of Liz.)

Hermes: (Whispers) Lyn says—

Liz: Don't you dare speak she's name! She is she!

Lyn: AND HER IS HER!

(Hermes relays the message and walks over to Ares.)

Hermes: I blame you for this.

Ares: Why?

Hermes: Because you're the god of war and all that other stuff. (Grumbles)

Ares: (Giggles) yeah, I do seem to cause that stuff a lot… that reminds me of WWII, back in the day…

Hermes: NO! SHUT UP! NOT ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE WAR STORIES! YOU SOUND LIKE MY GRANDFATHER!

Ares: Your grandfather was a titan.

Hermes: …so? Meanie.

Lyn: (whispers) Hermes! Come here! Get over here! (Hermes takes a step) No you have to fly! On your magical shoes!

(Hermes rolls his eyes and "flies" to Lyn)

Lyn: (still whispering) I want you… to go in the kitchen… and steal… Liz's chocolate cake. SCHNEAKATTACK!

(Hermes snaps his fingers and disappears in the kitchen, grumbling to himself.) Hermes: (grumbling) I can't believe I lost the bet.

(Suddenly, because she was that bored, Liz takes out a random water pistol and starts squirting Ares) Liz: MUST-TAKE OUT-AGRESSION----

Ares: (puts hands up in front of face) NO! WATAAH! MELTING!

Liz: Really?

Ares: No. (Pulls out a roll of tape)

Lyn: OMG IS THAT TAPE?

Ares: Why yes it is.

Lyn: GIMMEE! (snatches tape, plucks off a piece and takes each side in each hand, pulling them together in apart in a quick motion making some sort of plucking sound.) TAPE SOUNDS!!!

(Hermes comes back holding a giant chocolate cake.) Hermes: Here you go.

Lyn: MUHAHAHAHA! HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?!

Liz: NO! NOT MY CHOCOLATE CAKE! ANYTHING BUT MY CHOCOLATE CAKE!

Lyn: YEEEESSS, YOU RETURN WHAT YOU STOLE AND NOTHING SHALL HAPPEN TO YOUR PRECIOUS CHOCOLATE CAKE!

Liz: BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

Lyn: OH YEAH? WELL I GUESS YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR CHOCOLATE CAKE THAT MUCH! (Pulls out a giant fork and slowly moves it toward the cake.)

Liz: ---

Waldo: STOP!

(everyone stops.)

Waldo: I lost my pair of giant sunglasses!

Lyn: Go find them yourself, Waldo.

Waldo: Wait! NO! (Pops away. Then Liz gets a call on her cell phone.)

Liz: What?

Waldo: I'm LOST!

Liz: You know what, Waldo, you make compasses. You should never get lost.

Waldo: WELL I DO! (Hangs up)

Liz: Anyway, I DIDN'T STEAL ANYTHING!

Lyn: YES YOU DID—Ares, why weren't you in the movie?

Ares: Um… I- I didn't feel like it, you know. Copyright and all that. I had to get a lawyer—a MORTAL LAWYER, you know how horrible that was for me? But once we got in the courtroom and all, I just snapped my fingers and made everyone go BERSERK, and I mean berserk. They all started attacking each other. Then I called in Aphrodite, you know, the goddess of LUUV, and she came in and made everyone luuv each other again. So then I was off the hook. It was awesome.

Liz: Well that was… weird.

Lyn: (Nods.) yuppers.

Emeril: WAIT! Did they just… agree on something?

Liz and Lyn: NO!

Emeril: Wait, there's another agreement!

Lyn and Liz: NO!

Ares: AND ANOTHER ONE!

Liz and Lyn: SHUT UP!

Grover: This arguing thing isn't going so well.

Hermes: Wait, what are you two arguing about anyway?

Lyn: SHE STOLE MY PAPERCLIP!

Hermes: What paperclip?

Lyn: Um… it was about yea big, it was purple and sparkly and it had smiley faces all over it.

Hermes: oh. (starts twiddling thumbs.)

Ares: HERMES… What did you dooooo?

Hermes: Oh, nothing nothing. Of course not. I did nothing.

Ares: Heeeeerrrrmmmmeeeessss…

Hermes: OK, I DID IT! I STOLE THE PAPERCLIP!

Ares: YOU MEAN THIS COULD HAVE ALL BEEN AVOIDED!?

Lyn: (Puppy dog eyes) y-y-you m-mean y-y-you s-stole my paperc-clip???

Hermes: Kinda… here you go… (hands over the paperclip.)

(Lyn looks at the paperclip, then the chocolate cake, then at Liz.)

Lyn: I'M SO SORRY!

Liz: IT'S ALL OKAY!

Lyn: I SHOULD HAVE TRUSTED YOU!

Liz: YOU SHOULD HAVE!

Lyn: IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!!

Liz: YES IT IS!!!

(Everyone gets all lovey-dovey, giving hugs to random people on set, such as Crispin the light controller guy, and various members of the crowd.)

Hermes and Ares: (Look at each other. Puppy dog eyes.) I LOVE YOU MAAAAN! (hugzzz)

Hermes: OMG I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING!

Ares: ME TOO!

Hermes: I'M SORRY I STOLE YOUR VIKING HORNS!

Ares: ME TOOO—Wait, that was you?

Hermes: Um… no.

Lyn: Now that we're all best buddies again, join us again next time for another episode of the PAPAYA TANGELO show starring me and Lyn and Liz and Waldo the mentally confused compassmaker!

Waldo: I'M NOT MENTALLY CONFUSED!

Grover: Bye Waldo.


	5. Purse Man's Mom

**The PAPAYA TANGELO SHOW  
****Starring Lyn and Liz and Waldo the Compassmaker**

Lyn: RUBBER DUCKS ARE PLANNING WORLD DOMINATION!

Liz: BUT MY TREE ONLY HIT THE CAR IN SELF-DEFENSE!

Lyn: I KNOW KUNG-FU AND 50 OTHER DANGEROUS WORDS!

Liz: THINK OF GINGERBREAD MEN. ARE THEY DELICIOUS HOLIDAY TREATS OR JUST ANOTHER WAY FOR CHILDREN TO SHOW OFF THEIR CANNABALISM?

Lyn: TWO MUFFINS ARE CHILLING IN AN OVEN. ONE MUFFIN SAYS : "OHMYGOD WE'RE IN AN OVEN!" THE OTHER MUFFIN SAYS, "HOLY COW I'M A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Liz: My eyebrow died.

Lyn: Well, that was an interesting conversation. Getting on with the show would probably be a smart thing to do now.

Liz: Shall we introduce our people?

Lyn: Is it on our checklist? Oh, wait, no, first we have to… DECORATE!

(Suddenly, Grover and Waldo come onstage and begin decorating. Waldo hangs up giant compasses on the wall while Grover hangs wreaths over his heads, trying not to eat them.)

Lyn: CHECK!

Liz: What's next?

Lyn: Now we got the person in here.

Liz: PLEASE WELCOME PERCY'S MOM!

(Percy's mom runs in like a football star.)

Lyn: Wow, people from Percy Jackson are much more cooperative than people from Twilight.

Percy's Mom: Well, when you're attacked by some sort of mythical creature every day you learn to just… go along with things.

Liz: Wooooow… so I could like… hit you over the head with this baseball bat and you'd just… go along with it?

PM: Yep. Pretty much.

Lyn: Kay. What's next on the list?

Liz: THE GUEST LIST!

Audience Member #568: What guest list?

Lyn: The guest list for Purse Man's BIRTHDAY, of course!

PM: Who's Purse Man?

Liz: Your son. Purse man. Duh.

Lyn: ANYWAY, GUEST LIST! We've got… And A Beth, Grover, Hermes, Rachel, Ares, Luke Skywalker, Nico, Poseidon, Medusa, Mr. Brunner, Kronos, Clarisse, Calypso, Thalia, all the other gods & goddesses, and… everyone else.

Liz: NOW WE SEND OUT INVITATIONS!

(Sending out invitations…….. …… ….. ….. ….)

Lyn: SENT!

Liz: In the meantime, let's question what's-her-name!

PM: I have a name, you know.

Lyn: No you don't.

PM: Yeah… I do…

Liz: No you don't.

PM: Yes, I do.

Lyn: FIRST QUESTION IS FROM… MARIOxLUIGI591287. When is Percy's birthday?

PM: Well that's a stupid question, we're celebrating it TODAY, so… when do you think it is?

Liz: Idk.

Lyn: NEXT QUESTION! What is the last movie you went to see?

PM: Uh… Alice in Wonderland, I think—

Liz and Lyn: JOHNNY DEPP! Get in here! He was on the guest list too!

(JOHNNY DEPP ARRIVES! And just sort of sits there. Sigh.)

Liz: Next question is from… Weldeisled. How many gas stations do you think are in the United States?

PM: 108,563. Exactly.

Lyn: Um… sure. Why not?

(THE GUESTS BEGIN TO ARRIVE!)

Liz: OMG PEOPLE!

(Lyn begins to check them in… that's fun to say! :3)

Lyn: Hermes… nice shoes… Ares… good… Rachel… good… who are you?

Annabeth: It's me. Annabeth.

Lyn: (looks at list.) Sorry, no Annabeth on this list. Out.

Annabeth: ARE YOU SERIOUS? (storms out)

Lyn: Next! Kronos… good… Hades… good… Gabe... good… who're you?

Annabeth (In disguise i. e. fake moustache): Uh… Bethanna.

Lyn: AND A BETH! I'D KNOW THAT BROKEN NOSE ANYWHERE!

Annabeth: Yesh! I'm not bethanna or Annabeth I'm…. AND A BETH!

Lyn: Ah! And a Beth! You're on the list, come right in!

Liz: I'm tired being the bodyguard! Someone else take over! Now it's time for DISCO, DISCO, DISCO!

(Multiple disco songs later…)

Lyn: CAKE TIME! Emeril, bring out the BLUE CAKE!

(Emeril brings out the blue cake!)

Liz: Ok, everyone gather around to sing!

(Everyone sings the birthday song.)

Lyn: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, IT'S YOUR BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRTHDAY!

Liz: COME ON, PURSE MAN, BLOW OUT THE CANDLES!

(No one appears.)

Lyn: Purse Man?

Liz: Where's Purse Man?

(Argos comes up)

Argos: (Holds up guest list) According to my calculations, you never invited him.

Lyn: Oh.

Liz: Shall we continue to party anyway?

Everyone (Except Percy's Mom): YUSH

(We all continue to party… except Percy's mom… who is trying to Iris Message Purse Man)

Iris: Sorry, I'm at a party right now. But if you leave a message, I'll get right back to you!

PM: NOO! GAH! (Runs into a corner)

Posideon: Hey, babe, why aren't you enjoying the party? Just CHILLAX…. Percy can take care of himself.

PM: Oh yeah, coming from an immortal god.

Posideon: Hey, he's my son, what could go wrong?

PM: (Stares at him blankly) You have GOT to be kidding me.

(Posideon shrugs, then PURSE MAN COMES SMASHING THROUGH THE STUDIO ROOF ON BLACKJACK!)

Lyn: We're gonna have to patch that up later…

Percy: (lands, stands up, glances around, sees birthday cake, 5 gallons of ice cream scattered on the ground, party hats, banners, streamers, and guests filing out the door.) I MISSED THE WHOLE THING? WHY DIDN'T I GET AN INVITATION TO MY OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY?

Liz: We kind of… forgot about you. Oops.

Lyn: Oh well.

Percy: ARGGGGHHH! I gotta go to the bathroom. (leaves)

Liz: Well, that was quite abrupt—

Percy: (yelling from bathroom) WHERE'S THE SELF DESTRUCT BUTTON!

Lyn: Are you in the guys' bathroom?

Percy: OF COURSE!

Liz: There's no self-destruct button in the guys' bathroom!

Lyn: And that's all the time we have because PERCY DON'T GO INTO THE GIRLS BATHROOM!

Waldo: Yeah… now we have to go to the girls' bathroom so Purse Man doesn't destroy all the fancy soaps!

**FIN**


End file.
